dawn

staring in space
silent tears from my eyes
death is sweeter
than this separate lives

two is too much

once i said it will never happen again. it shouldn't. but now that it does, i said i will never have to give the same warning twice. i already did. i'm running out of excuses. i wish i will never have to say those destructive words, for it will be too much. i think once should be enough.

nevertheless, if need be, i will fulfill that which i have already said, no matter how painful.

dropping rocks

life's road has never been easy. stumbling blocks have always been there. sometimes, they manifest themselves through problems in school, in friends, family. sometimes, they manifest themselves through ourselves. sometimes, we become the problem. or at least we think we do. and in the extreme occasion that this happens, when we blame ourselves for the fuck ups in our lives, there is nothing more therapeutic than to share it with friends. to unload the burden to people around us so as to diffuse the feeling of inaptness and thereby in the process heal ourselves and become this new strong person.

corollary to this however is the premise of the existence of friends. the fact that the road of life is laden with stumbling blocks doesn't mean that we cannot find some precious stones once in a while. when we see them, we pick them up, treasure them, and then ask/lend a helping hand or a listening ear if and when life weighs down on us/them, if and when then all we/they can think of is how fucked up our lives are and how we/they are responsible for such mess.

but, in very rare occasions, we sometimes discover how these precious friends that we seemed to have treasured and cared for are nothing but unappreciative and backbiting. we discover that no matter how we reach for them, they will never really reach back. they will never really reciprocate if and when it is you who will need their help. instead, they say good things in front of you but attack you treacherously from behind. and then we realize, it is during this time that we decide it's time to drop their stones.

just as i am dropping his right now.

goodbye old friend.

missing anonymity

i started blogging ages ago. back then, i was careful not to identify myself in any of my entries. this, i suppose, afforded me a wide latitute for saying what i want, when i want it.

that, however, doesn't happen anymore.

and it makes me sad. no longer can i just lay bare myself. i fear people around me may misconstrue my words for other notions equally capable of other associations. for that fear, i feel suffocated. smothered even.

it seems that life is pouring out of me and there is nothing i can do to put a stop to it. i'm drained. emptied. i need a plug to stifle this leak to retain who i am.

lest i miss myself, and drown in anonymity.

people and places

at long last, my world is expanding. new places to go to. new friends found. my constant hysteria about discomfort in my current social life is being dispelled by the happy turn of events.

i like it.

mid-terms

one down, a million more to go.

on the path to reminiscing

i've been reading some of my older entries today, and can i just say, what a journey it has been. of course, i still haven't been out of the country yet, i am still struggling in law school and time still seems to be never enough, but the emotional rollercoaster that i have undergone, the continuous change in my environment, my evolving social taste and political convictions all point towards the growth of a once apathetic atenean. so much has changed, indeed. and i like it. every one bit of it.

templates

i've never been satisfied with my blog template since i started writing again. thus, the change. which makes it the third in a span of, i dunno, three months? i wonder if this recurring change is reflective of my current life perspective. does this mean that i am yearning for a change in my lifestyle? that studying for most of my life has now finally caught up with me? or is this indicative of a desire to acquire new set of people to interact with? or a new environment to be in?

or am i just overthinking due to the impending mid-term examinations?

maybe. maybe not.

dunno.

weekends

it's a good thing my college barkada has had some breathing space in each of our own lives that we were able to afford a good deal of time spent for catching up. saturday night was a long needed get-together. beginning with good food at berllini's in cubao, it was followed by non-stop reminiscing and story-telling over several bottles of beer, and a visit at what most of us treat as home, katipunan. the tangerine glow of katipunan's overhead posts, the overnight neon lights of now unfamiliar establishments and the lush green at the backdrop of a starlit sky of the ateneo pulls us all back to the happiest days of our lives, reminding us of the carefree living amidst the company of lifelong friends and the busy hustle of the metro dissolving into the pressure of college papers and projects. it's like re-living all over again those unforgettable college days of opman and marketing research and the sleepless yet welcome nights that come with them.

ah, life has indeed moved on for all of us. we are not as young as we once were. and yet, every step that we take towards going back only makes our memory clearer and clearer. every return to our place only reveals another part of a long finished jigsaw puzzle. every get together only strengthens a bond formed long long ago.

i just wish it never ends. those weekends.

a shot of lambanog

i couldn't believe how two weeks of cutting myself off from the world for writing my thesis could store in me so much pent-up emotions. just today, i tried to lash it out on my roommate, but expectedly, it didn't work. i tried to be furious, angry, sad, and depressed all at the same time, but the weight on my chest never disappeared.

that is, until i thought of the lambanog that i keep in my room. a shot of the strong stuff immediately shoved me out of my dazed state and released a good amount of tension i had in me. ahh, the joy of alcohol. i keep this up and i'll be sane in no time. drunk, too, but hell, no one's complaining. i think people would rather see me drunk than pissed off. and just as long as the alcohol provides me with a temporary outlet for these blasted negative vibes, i think i'm gonna be fine.

i hope.

wild rush

yup, it's definitely over. my conjuration of non-existent international principles of law and analytical frameworks thereof have finally come to a close. my thesis has been submitted. the power to decide my future in the panel defense has left my unwilling hands.

it has been a week of voluntary seclusion, all focused on doing something for the purpose of seizing this last year in the law school with a bang. it was an isolation of seeing nothing and no one but the bare essence of my dorm room. and it has come to an end.

yes, it is done. the work is finished.

and it is nothing short of a wild rush.

best laid plans

all is well and wisely put. for years, i have held this as a religious mantra. everything has its own rhyme and reason for existing. everything is a massive accumulation of dots painting an awesome picture about our lives. most of the time, it is difficult if not outright impossible to make sense of that which occurs around us, but sometimes, in the very few instances like now, it all assumes undeniable clarity.

today, i realized that my thesis deadline is on saturday and that there is no way i can accomplish everything that needs be done had there been classes these past two days. the amount of materials left unread vis-a-vis the number of pages left to fill is enough to harbor despair upon my mortal mind.

but lo and behold, just as i thought all hope is lost, something good manifests itself to me. the fact that i love the rain and that it is the rain which caused my classes to be suspended are enough for me to see a plan laid out before me. the rain bought me two extra days of thesis writing. and the fact that it occured on the week when i needed it the most makes me believe how wise he is that laid out that plan.

and there is no doubt about it.

rainy days and sundays

i went to church today. after a long long time, i finally found my way back to the comforting sanctuary of hearing mass. i suppose it's the rain that guided me. the resounding echo of the wind which carried a strong outpour has led me to the one place that i need to be on sundays, the church. hearing God's Words spoken to me earlier today in the backdrop of the blessing of the rain made my heart leap and my eyes water as i assimilate, in the most gracious disposition, what message there is for me this week. i was like a lost pony that found it's way back to the stable just in time. the feeling of being home gave me comfort. it gave me strength. it renewed the will to daringly face the harshness of my world knowing fully well that i'll be okay.

and then i remembered how i got this far in my life. i remembered that whenever i felt down and out, it was to Him that i turned to (aside from my family and friends of course). it was His advise that i sought. of course, it hasn't always been easy capturing His voice, but as my experience has it, it always comes. i wonder if people around the world know of this. i wonder if those people i know who are undergoing pain, depression and solitude today remember this one single formula for getting through hard times in life.

i sure hope they do. especially now, when He has been repeatedly giving us signs for us to remember Him, signs like the glorious downpour of rain on the blessed day of sundays.

as i walked back home from the church, holding my umbrella on the one hand and my heavily soaked maong pants on other, i felt nothing but bliss as the rain washed away my worries for the week to come.

chattin

chatting in one of the local chatrooms in mirc, i was taken aback by a question propounded by one of the people i was chatting with. what is the essence of chatting? ordinarily, i'd have answered it right there and then without a second's hesitation. however, hearing it from someone in a local chatroom where clandestine and nocturnal activities are usually the most viable form of conversation made me pause and think. what brought about this relatively profound question amidst the sea of worldly advertisements?

few minutes later and then i found out. sadness can be an all consuming threat that people more often drown in its complicity and lose sight of everything that's good happening around them. this chatter is exactly in that position. the person was sad.

which again made me think. why would this person air out grievances to someone like me who is a total stranger? why would i say the most intimate part of my recent life to just anyone who for all i know could be a maniac on the loose?

well, i suppose anonimity is a factor, like confession before a priest that you cannot see. but mostly, from what i gather in our conversation, it's just that this chatter doesn't have so many friends to talk with. which made me sad for the person. and made me appreciate my friends more.

in my opinion, friends are some of the most important commodity that a person can ever bargain for. i cannot imagine going through a phase of my life just like the phase of the life of the person i was chatting with without a sturdy support group of my closest friends around me. aside from my family, these friends are the pillars of my life which enable me to stand tall and impressive before the harsh world. these are the people that need no explanation for the fuck ups that i undertake and just take the reigns to make me stop. they don't need me to articulate what my problems are, all i need to do is cry for help and they're there. they know who they are, and i thank them for that.

thinking about this then, i reached out to this chatter pouring all emotions on me and i decided to be a friend, even just for the hour i was in the chatroom. after all, the essence of chatting is connecting with people. and by logging in, i intended to do just that, relate to people by, well, at the very least, chatting.

annoying

SO SO ANNOYING. ARGH.

searching for words

this is one of those days when i am at a loss. no words come out from within to give some semblance of justification for what have been dropped on us all, seniors, like a bombshell. there is no thesis pull out, at least, not in a guaranteed way. once again, our batch seemed to have been the repository of everything novel such that well placed curves and patterns, especially in garnering high grades, are adamantly broken. here it is again, there is no pull out. after days of assurance, it has slipped out on us once more.

how do we go on? and where do we go? no visible path to easy salvation looms beyond the horizon.

and that left me, searching for words.

the last night

at long last, i'm in the final stages of conjuring a document which purports to be my thesis. thank goodness. now i can actually start writing one.

of nightmares and daydreams

how i long for the time when all my thesis worries are at end. i can't believe how long a day drags on and how little accomplishment in my work can i see. i've no idea how much longer i'm going to last. i fear each day as it draws me nearer to the deadline. i'm afraid it's too soon, much too soon.

i hope this nightmare ends. so i can see my dreams.

thesis yet again

from the moment i wake up until the second before i sleep, horrid thoughts about my thesis cloud my mind. the writing that never ends, the reading that never suffices, the time that always goes missing. with only a week left and a billion pages still to fill, i wonder if i will ever get this across and still remain standing. i hope i do, for all the tides i've braved, for all the people i've met, for all that i am, i hope i do remain standing tall after this.

that's why, now, i face my thesis yet again.

thesis

today, after a long long time, i let out a scream. Aaaaaaaah!

that smile

it's that smile that creeps up your lips when you think of that someone that makes life so worth living. the involuntary flicker of your eyes upon mere thinking of how special that someone is, coupled with the head spinning euphoria of knowing you are special to that someone, makes everything, no matter how difficult they are, seem nothing at all. days become wonderful with every insurgence of this feeling. weeks become seconds with every thought, seconds become weeks with every memory. and it's such a wonderful thing. that smile.

wednesdays

after six hours of continuous classes, i'm just too tired to write.

cool tuesday morning

yup, i'm still up at three in the morning. not that i've been doing a lot of work, i haven't. it's just that blogging these days is too much of a temptation for my mortal soul. and i still thank my old friend for bringing back the passion to do so. i hope you never have to eat alone again anytime soon old chap.

feeling pain

not long ago, all i can blog about was how sad i was, how the sudden change of my immediate surrounding and the intense pressure brought about by law school seemed to stifle the very life out of me. it seemed that, back then, the lush green of nature had been sucked out of its very exicstence and nothing in me is left to stand on my own.

surprisingly though, almost miraculously, i survived. i moved out of that phase and eventually found my place here and now. i was able to build my stronghold and once more see the greens of nature.

This is why i can't help but be reminiscent when i chanced upon an old friend's blog. the sad and depressing tone emanating from his blog reminded me, in no small measure, of what i had been through just a few years ago. the intense pain piercing through every word encoded in the blog creates a ripple effect on what i have been before.

and it kills me to think that i cannot do anything to alleviate the pain my old friend is going through. i know nothing helped me before.

except for time.

days became months, months became years, and the sadness i felt dissipated with every raindrop, with every sunshine, during the years since then. i guess our inherent and powerful capability of healing ourselves will eventually cure what ailment our hearts may feel. after all, it is through practice that we attain mastery, right? and knowing that there's a light somewhere, someday, that makes us brave feeling pain, right?

of clouds in relationships

how do you go from total euphoria to an absolute down? how does the turn of events slip from your control and impregnate disaster? when do we ask ourselves how have things gotten so wrong?

relationships are a fact of life. everyday, we encounter opportunities to begin lasting connection with other people, but it is up to us to either harbour, or totally ignore, it. for us who choose to cultivate what little seed of a budding relationship that goes our way, a responsibility is inevitably set. it becomes our duties to nurture it the way a mother does her young. it becomes our rule to feed the fire that we chose.

this scenario however presents two very distinctive effects. one is that we bask in the glorious state of love where not even the stars can dare hinder what each of us feel. the other is when we lose that love and fall in the abyss of common strangers; what once was is now forgotten and becomes a thing of the past.

for many of us, we encounter and undergo these two effects many times in our lives. it sometimes becomes a cycle where we try to recreate the euphoric state of love but somehow always finding the emptying darkness of falling out of love instead. to me, this has always been the million dollar question. how do you go from total euphoria to an absolute down? how does the turn of events slip from your control and impregnate disaster? when do we ask ourselves how have things gotten so wrong?

well, i am in that phase right now. where did i go wrong? i mean, i'm not ending my relationship or anything serious like that, but i am actually confused as to how a simple fight can balloon into an arena of sad feelings. i cant think right now, i cant act right now. in fact, i dont think i can perform in any of the tasks that i am yet to do. a cloud of sadness has fallen over me and i am desperate to find the light of clear thinking that'll pierce this cloud. i hope it comes. soon.

Responding with open eyes

hey guys, me again, i've just published two of my articles in the Palladium. i feel strongly that we conduct ourselves like jealous lovers when matters of Constitutional freedom are in issue. we must not and cannot let these abuses pass us by with neither dissent nor conviction. and so, i have here i hope some sort of guidance as to what have happened in the past weeks so that in the end, we may not only have a decision, but an informed one.

Talk about Irony: EDSA’s 20th Anniversary Marks the Day of Emergency*

It was, supposedly, a day of celebration; a day commemorating the Filipinos’ historical triumph over more than a decade of tyranny; a day when people marshaled their strength and, through a collective psyche, restored the lost democracy.

Ironically however, this 20th anniversary celebration of EDSA heralded the birth of yet another unlawful oppression.

The rise of events started when, on the day of February 23, fourteen junior military officers were allegedly detained for planning a coup against the Arroyo administration. By nightfall, rumors of this coup d’etat plot sifted through the media and were spread like wild fire. By midnight, the National Capital Regional Command declared the entire Metro Manila area under Red Alert.

At about two AM, troops and tanks from the Northern Luzon Command arrived in Manila, and Mrs. Arroyo received information about troop movements for and against her administration. By dawn, AFP officers declared failure of the attempted coup. Authorities announced immediately thereafter the arrest of several people supposedly involved therein.

By noon, owing to this occurrence, Mrs. Arroyo promulgated Proclamation No. 1071, placing the nation under a State of National Emergency.

All rallies that day were suspended; rally permits, revoked. The gathering of people celebrating the EDSA anniversary in different key areas within Metro Manila was dispersed by police officers. These include those in the Ninoy Aquino Monument at the corner of Ayala Avenue and Paseo de Roxas, in Quezon City Memorial Circle, at the EDSA Shrine in EDSA corner Ortigas, and those marching from IBP towards the People Power monument in EDSA. Even those who eventually gathered at the Ninoy Aquino Monument later that night were dispersed. The basis of which, as the police authorities will later repeat as though it was their mantra, was Proclamation No. 1017.

At first, there seemed to be no question that Mrs. Arroyo was well within her constitutional right to call on the Armed Forces to suppress lawless violence and rebellion. Declaring a State of National Emergency, according to Art. VII Sec. 18 and Art. XII Sec. 17, seemed to be basis enough for the proclamation.

However, when the military began conducting warrantless arrests, which lead to the detention of Prof. Randy David and his colleagues who were in EDSA at that time having a peaceful rally, the situation made a drastic turn. Nowhere in the constitution was it provided that a mere proclamation of a State of National Emergency can bring about curtailment of the very basic rights enshrined in the Constitution. Certainly, no warrantless arrests can be validly had under the wings of Proclamation No. 1071 alone. Arresting without warrants outside the guidelines as provided for in law is unconstitutional.
Consequently, when the NTC met with the KBP to discuss the possibility of revocation of franchise or takeover of media companies in case of biased reporting or publication on matters affecting national security, again under the wings of Proclamation No. 1017, the effect of the drastic turn earlier mentioned has been reinforced. Immediately, issues concerning the Freedom of Speech and Expression with regards to media organizations surfaced. In the words of Fr. Joaquin Bernas, it was as if it’s “a veiled warning to certain segments of the national media that she has the power to take them over,” a move reminiscent of martial law.

By the next day, February 26, the PNP announced that it has a list of 100 people to be arrested in relation to the thwarted coup attempt. While others like a Party-list Representative and a former Constabulary chief was unfortunate to be picked up by the police on that day, some got wind of the announcement beforehand and was able to evade arrest—some even through the protection of the House of Representatives. To be sure, these arrests were all warrantless, purporting to be legal using Proclamation No. 1017 as basis.

Also that day, the Daily Tribune was placed under temporary control of the PNP because of their “concerted effort and systematic conspiracy with known elements… to bring down the government since May 2004.” PNP will, however, later on say that they merely “guarded” the newspaper against those planning unlawful acts towards the latter.

In light of the circumstances, it is grueling to think that all of these happened under the power of Proclamation No. 1017 which was declared and promulgated at the very day of the EDSA Celebration—the day when we commemorate how the Filipinos of 20 years ago resisted the dictator’s effort to curtail the very same freedom that the Filipinos of today are in danger of losing. Talk about irony.

And so, to this, one by one, groups condemning this order voiced their concerns. Fr. Joaquin Bernas “points to the disturbing inclusion of what seem to be martial law powers in the President’s declaration, particularly in its appeal to Article XII, Section 17 of the Constitution, concerning the temporary takeover of privately owned businesses and utilities, a move that seems aimed at government control of the press and media.” Even former president Fidel Ramos said the proclamation was “Marcosian,” a move reminiscent of Martial Law. To this, UP students in Diliman walked out of their classrooms and gathered at the UP oblation and categorically denounced the proclamation. Even the District Council of the De La Salle Brothers once more took the heat and stood by their call for the president to resign. Different Law Groups, specifically the Alternative Law Groups, immediately took their pens out to draft pleadings assailing the constitutionality and legality of the order.

By February 27, Monday, the boiling issue was far from being put to rest. The Philippines was alerted by the ANC interview of Col. Querubin protesting not in uncertain terms the supposed removal of his Commanding General from office. Querubin brought with him two armored tanks and a battalion of his men at Fort Bonifacio. This resulted in a military standoff that lasted for a few hours. As this was happening, a group of people, including former president Corazon Aquino and some other prominent political personalities, congregated both inside and outside of the Fort’s gates to conduct prayer rallies. But then again, true to the spirit of Proclamation No. 1017, they were dispersed subsequently.
Simultaneously, in his press conference, Secretary Mike Defensor appealed for more responsible media coverage in light of the delicate situation. He asked for media blackout.

In February 22-27, 1986, people took to the streets their grievance against a dictator. In EDSA, citizens held hands to manifest the blazing fire of unity and the steadfast stance for change. From that time on, the Philippines had been in the international spotlight for championing a bloodless revolution.

But herein lies the rub. Contrary to what many people of today think, EDSA 1986 did not happen overnight. It was militated by a strong and aware organization of the Church and society. Key figures such as Corazon Aquino were able to synthesize social groups that did information dissemination and public education as to what their situation was before. They weren’t led by the military, nor by the left. They were led by a strong and vigilant civil society with the support of everyone on the social spectrum.

We don’t have that today. There is no Cory to inspire us. The middle is as dispersed as there are letters in the alphabet. So what do we do? As students of the law, what are we ought to do? In light of the current situation, do we stand by idly and watch as Proclamation No. 1017 debunks all that we learn in school? Or do we condemn it as an insult to the very spirit of the institution that is the law? The State of National Emergency was lifted on the 1st day of March, 2006, but the chilling effect it created continues to wreak havoc, fear and anger upon those who directly felt its impact. Do we just let it pass us by with neither resistance nor conviction? Or do we make a collective stance here and now? You decide.

*The Palladium Volume 3 No. 2

Of birth and birthdays*

My 24th birthday proved to be an eventful day for me after all. Considering that I didn’t make any plans for the day itself, I didn’t anticipate that I’ll be having a date with myself on a cold bed inside an emergency room of a government hospital for more than five hours. Yes, you read that right. Of all the days when I could have been food poisoned, it just had to be my birthday. And that’s not even the half of it! After I’ve been poisoned, I was attacked by a series of unfortunate events that unbelievably came out of nowhere.

First, I nearly collapsed inside the Powerplant mall after spending more than 20 minutes in one of its rest rooms. Sucks, right? Well, it gets worse. Second, there was actually no doctor on duty at that time in the mall’s clinic and the nurse in charge had no clue as to what was happening to me. Third, I couldn’t contact anyone during this time due to my network provider’s erratic signal. Fourth, I had to take a cab, on my own, to go to the nearest hospital. Fifth, I entrusted my life (or at least it seemed to be so during that time) to a cab driver who didn’t know a fiddler’s fart as to where the nearest hospital was. Sixth, I was brought to a government hospital, which, though competent, reminds me more of a bus station—only, in this case, there were beds, sheets, and doctors! Lastly, my brother and my roommate took ages before arriving at the hospital which naturally made me feel very anxious and, yes, alone. Add to this is the fact that, before that experience, I have never ever been in a hospital ER. In fact, I have never had any needle injected in me for as long as I can remember! So one could just imagine how unnerving and surreal that experience was for me. Talk about having a happy birthday.

But from all these, though, I learned one good thing. I have been frantic about not telling anyone how old I was during my birthday; you see, being almost done with half of my twenties, I thought I was old. But what I really was—and I just realized this during that night—was a mere baby yet to set foot on the world. In every sense of the word, that birthday was just my first. First ER, first injection, and first time to realize how many people are in need of help, especially of the free service provided for by public hospitals.

While I was there, children in wheelchairs were ushered to and from the ER. Desperate housewives came running in asking for meds. Teenagers shot by other teenagers complained of injured feet. Drunkards were rushed in bleeding to death. Despite the pain that I was feeling, it was difficult not to see the suffering of these people and the apparent lack of sufficient funds provided to the hospital to help them. Beds and sheets are lacking in relation to the number of people coming in. The few nurses it housed would have to take care of almost everyone. The laboratory equipment could not even do all the simple and necessary tests!

It breaks my heart to think that for the people who cannot afford, for the people whose only salvation lies in these government facilities, the government still falls short of what it ought to give. Again, like the missing Fertilizer Funds, I think of where our taxes go to. Are they used for the welfare of those children in wheelchairs? Or for those desperate housewives begging for medicines? Or the teenagers shot and crying in pain? Or do they become just another pile of coins in the big purses of certain people in power?

Corruption is rampant here and now, and so is sickness, injuries, death. Isn’t it about time to veer away from what will make us very comfortable and focus instead on what will make the poor, at the very least, comfortable? I suppose it is time to take arms and make a battle cry for change, because it is only then that our voices will reach the people responsible for this mess, and it is only then that they’ll start doing something to clean it up.

Either that or they resign, right?

*The Palladium, Volume 3 No. 2

Breaking silence

The floodgates have been closed, but it has in no way been secured. water is still flowing, and is now reaching more streams.

i have to give it to her, gloria has, thus far, been quite successful in hedging the very issue gnawing her now crumbling administration. from the hello garci tapes weeks ago to the gag order the other day, gloria is yet to face real trial in search for the truth. i wonder how much funds have been consumed in trying to patch up this obviously leaking mess. i wonder where such funds come from. how much longer can gloria keep this up, i wonder. how far can her funds stretch her administration? sometimes there isn't always fire when there's smoke, but if such smoke keeps building up, then something's gotta be aflame somewhere. and we have to look for it, don't we? otherwise, it may someday catch real fire and burn us with it in the process. we don't want that, do we?

when the garci tapes were exposed, gloria said to take our grievances to congress. we did, and i held my breath. when in congress, gloria's allies unashamedly turned it down (some solons saying their loyalty is to the president--i wonder what happens to loyalty to their constituents, the people who placed them in that position). they unashamedly did, and i was disappointed. clearly, the "take your grievances to congress" speech is a mere subterfuge to cling on to power. few days ago, she issued a gag order to officials who apparently know some "intimate details" on the election cover up, saying that senate inquiries are impeachment proceedings in disguise. they say it's legal, and i was furious. the nerve, the temerity to, one, openly and confidently withhold the truth from the people using, two, glaringly unconstitutional means. if this won't ignite what sense of patriotism is left in any Filipino's heart, i don't know what will.

as far as i'm concerned, until these allegations are addressed and the growing clamor for the truth has been put to rest, the republic of the philippines has no president.

she has tried to close the floodgates, but apparently, the current is too strong to give way. i say, let the water flow tumultuously, even if the gates are destroyed eventually. we cannot accept anything other than that.

greeting birthdays

when you have a friend who's celebrating his birthday, do you usually blog? or do you seek out that friend of yours and ask for your rightful share of the thanksgiving dinner? i think it's both. What do you think, ker? hehe... Happy happy birthday!!!

making it difficult

lease seems easy enough... that's why i don't have any idea how i could have thought it otherwise during the exam earlier... grr...

living what life?

two months have passed since my last blog, and guess what happened to me during that time... none. absolutely nothing. i'm sure studying 6 days a week doesn't interest anyone at all. to top it off, midterms have come. that means double all efforts in studying... grrr... i want to go places. i want to explore. i want to leave the philippines even for just a while!!! grrr... like some friends of mine who are now abroad, i want to tell stories of my escapades. i want to describe a new place to persons i know that have never been there!!! waaah!!! so, if anyone (not from law school) asks me what kind of life i have, i'll scream on top of my lungs and with bulging eyes and quivering lips, i'll say, what life?!!!

p.s.: don't get me wrong, i still love law school and all its horrid and evil aspects, but as i said, a little bit of a vacation won't do anyone any harm, will it? hehe... ;p

to my law school pals, good luck to your midterms!

starting classes

summer is definitely over.

and i never even got to enjoy the sun.

what a shame.

it's because of this internship that i had to go through these past two months. i began a week after i finished classes and i ended a week before it starts anew. what a life. two weeks? not enough baby. never enough. with all the studying going on most days of my life for the past two years, a two week rest is definitely pitiful. oh well, i guess, i just have to live with that. after all, it is i who have chosen this, didn't i?

anyway, school's about to start and i still haven't begun preparing yet. i still have no notebooks and stuff (i know i know, like i'm a freaking high school student, tsk tsk, but hey, it's a necessity, hehe). further, ker and i are still yet to transfer our stuff to the new room we're occupying. whoever said transferring your stuff from one place to another is a good thing is seriously in need of medication. oh well, i guess i would have to live with that as well. i chose it after all, right?

lastly, i want to return to the beach at least one more time before classes start!!! grrr, i've only been there once and i never really enjoyed it that much. grrr. if the beach (in batangas) turns brown now before i get there, it would definitely piss me off. but then i would have to live with that too, wouldn't i? hay, life...

it's so sad when summer's definitely over.

i'd never get to enjoy the sun anymore.

what a shame, hay...

choosing intelligently

for the past two weeks, i've been ranting about still not having a law firm to take me up as their intern. it really annoyed me to no end that of the ten firms i've submitted my resume to, only one called up for an interview. talk about a bummer. anyway, just two weeks ago, i found out that of the ten firms, five will not take in interns this year and four had already filled up their slots way before i submitted my resume. thus, securing my confidence with regards to my credentials. however, one can assume that such relief is short-lived. the one that called me up eventually said no because some other law student has taken my place. that sucks. big time. so i was off again on the streets submitting my resume to other law firms whose slots have not been filled up yet. thank goodness one firm immediately set me up for an interview. at first i thougth it was just a small one which is in dire need of extra help around the office. but lo and behold, it was one of the biggest, and highly coveted, law firms in makati. so one can only imagine the surprise in my face when i entered their posh office, me, just expecting a small one. tsk tsk... the interview went well. but the results won't be in 'til next week. and i can't rely on one law firm only. thus, today, i went on again distributing my highly priced resume. with only a red shirt and jeans hugging my body, i went to salcedo village as well as to legazpi village to try my luck with the law firms located therein. five resumes and 1000 km after, i reached bernas law office. this was already about 6 in the evening and i was tired as hell from all those walking (still no car, haay). upon submitting my resume, the receptionist told me to wait for a while; i thought it was merely to confirm that a slot is still open. but no, i was totally dumbstruck when she ushered me in and asked me to wait for Atty Bernas for my interview. and there was i, in red shirt, blue jeans and a rubber shoes, waiting to be interviewed by a lawywer. in my mind, i've repeated about a hundred times my excuse for not being properly attired for the meeting. oh well. he seemed not pleased at all. he told me i should be ready all the time. of course i couldn't tell him that i couldn't wear leather shoes today because i don't have a car and i use my God-given feet to get me there. oh well. then he told me he's taking me in. he needs some stuff about civil procedure done. and just like that, during that very awkward moment, he started discussing what he wants and what i have to do all summer. he asked for standards for the right to appeal. ohmigosh. civpro. tsk tsk. not my strenght, at least not during recitation. then something happened. something i said, i think, impressed him. he was listing certiorari among my assignments when i suddenly asked, in my very engaging and interested tone, if the certiorari he refers to is under rule 45 or 65. he smiled. for a second, at least. i think he was impressed that i was able to recall exact rule numbers! hehe, i have tranquil to thank for that! hehe.. i guess he taught us pretty well...
anyway, my dilemma arose from this. just after my interview, another law firm called me up for another interview. i guess it's easy to say no to that. but what if the big law firm calls me up? i don't think i have the strength to say no. i really like it there. but i have already given my word to Atty Bernas. tsk tsk. if the situation arises (i hope it won't), how can i break off my word? grrr... i hate this. i don't like the timing of things. not one bit. how can i chose intelligently if everything depends on other people's whims? hay, oh well.

congratulating kerwin

ker's graduation is not until friday, but i might as well congratulate him now lest time deprive me of an opportunity to do so in three days.

but how else can one phrase congratulations? how else can one express pride and joy when someone you know graduates to be practically number one in his class? how can one begin to explain how it is as if i, and not he, is the person marching down the aisle and up the stage to receive the hard-earned and well-deserved award?

is it enough to just continue being the best and true friend that i am, by having his back all the time, no questions asked? is it enough to just help him show the world his worth and thereafter defend him whenever the world loses worth? is it enough to just be with him not because of convenience but because of true friendship and trust?

enough? i honestly don't know.
is it, ker?

surviving suicide

relief is always sweeter when actually enjoyed after a great ordeal. no, there wasn't voluntary recitation. no, it wasn't a free cut. but it definitely was a damage-free tax class. although i've undergone one of the longest and most stressful two-hour tax class ever, the thought that i emerged unscathed after charging into battle with no arms at hand is absolutely worth celebrating. my gut-feel has proven itself reliable once more. i have survived suicide.

committing academic suicide

tax has always been feared in the law school. that's because it involves numbers. and numbers don't always sit well with most future lawyers.

well, not me. numbers are my own heaven. the very mention of these in any of my law subjects stirs in me a clamour long subdued by repression and depression. its appreciation comes naturally to me.

but not today.

i have a tax class barely two hours from now. and what am i doing? blogging. mainly it's because i am in a mood wherein studying is not a very affable option. this is the mood i'm usually in whenever a free cut or a voluntary recit is on its way. and i hope it's true today. because i haven't studied one bit.

if there will ever be anytime when my gut feeling is mistaken, i hope it is not now.

please, not now, not today.

seeing a new skin

now this is exciting.
perfect color -- very lawyerly
perfect font -- classic
perfect blogger -- me

what more can any reader ask for? hehe...

remodelling the style

if you don't see any changes in this blog lay-out, i would scream.
if two hours of doing nothing but editting a completely unfamiliar world of html led me nowhere, i would most definitely scream louder.
if what i've been stressing about for 120 precious minutes of my very busy life is not appreciated by my readers, i'd sure as hell would scream so loud no one could hear their voices anymore.

html sucks. i'd rather stick to law.

and that's a first.

hearing mass

it was the same gospel reading i have heard since time immemorial, yet somehow, for some unknown reason, everything seems new.

the lenten season has always been a part of my life. filled with wonderful memories of my childhood spent with all of my maternal first cousins, this season, to me, is a time when i get to be myself the most. we used to spend the weekend over my grandma's place and enjoy ourselves getting dirty in that special backyard that we imagined to be our future workplaces, sometimes, our future homes. i specifically remember being a bank teller under the "rambutan" tree tendering payment of large sums of leaf-money to my ertswhile millionaire cousin who just loves the touch of the bills, er, leaves. i remember collecting black pepper seeds and using them as ammos in our game of cops and robbers. not to mention my favorite hobby of collecting gumamela flowers, beating it to pulp and then using the juice to make bubbles. that, to me (at least back then), is one of the most fascinating and most amazing wonders of life. there is also the annual ritual of watching the parade of gigantic saints detailing the passion of Christ, never failing to instill in me an ounce or so of fear. fear that God might ask me to undergo the same passion and fear that those humonguous statues may, for some twist of fate, come to life and beat the hell out of my young self. for me, lent is this and so much more, so so much more.

growing up, however, heralded the discontinuance of these yearly gatherings. as each of us were introduced to the world, we each set out to travel our own ways, seeking who we are, finding our own niche. meeting in that backyard became infrequent until eventually, our separate lives led us to very different paths; and the wonderful make-belive stories of being a bank teller or a cop in that backyard were relegated to mere memories.

as i grew up, i eventually learned that lent is a time of penance, a time when our Lord suffered and that we, as members of the Church, must take part in this suffering. coming from Catholic schools until now, not seldom am i reminded of this truth, yet somehow, i never really got the message. maybe it's because i never wanted to give up on my childhood memories when i was happiest. maybe it's because the child who wanted to be a banker and a cop and a bubble-maker kept calling on to me not to let them go and dissolve into mere obscure details of my mind. thus, i've always ratiocinated that Jesus died and ressurected two thousand years ago, and that we only "remember" his death. and there is no need to be somber and quiet and reserved during this season, for after all, Jesus is alive now. therefore, i can keep my happy childhood memories without necessarily betraying them and disobeying the church. my conscience is the highest moral judge after all, right?

when i attended our class mass barely an hour ago, the priest (who is my most-loved Jesuit in school) in his homily, reminded us of the sacrifice that we ought to make this season. that we must fast and abstain not physiologically but spiritually. it was the same gospel reading and homily that i have heard growing up, yet somehow, for some unknown reason, everything seems new. for the first time, i realized that it is okay to think of lent as a happy time. that it is alright to be merry during this season. that what i am prohibited to do, i think, is to neglect the sacrifice that Christ made for each of us; and that voluntarily, with our whole hearts, we must observe lent as the time when we can cleanse ourselves and ask for forgiveness and reconciliation with God. it is a time when we are asked to momentarily set aside our present worlds in order to go back to that time of innocence, to that time when the world is just a backyard full of wonderful possibilities, full of definiteness as to who the bad guy or the good guy is, that time full of ecstatic wonders like a bubble silently and elegantly floating before it finally bursts and releases the air to the world beyond. that lent is a time to go back and remember ourselves in the eyes of a happy, but now repenting, child.

dreading the impending academic warfare

and so it's here once more. the unavoidable midterms. the whole week of non-sleep academic brain-pounder. i still haven't started my review. one week before and i am still on the isle of non-comprehension and backlog visitation. i hope i do as well as i did last sem. i need it now. my recit sucks. hopefully my written armour protects my fragile body. i hope i win the war, again.

to enjoy what comes next.

missing the net

it's been so long.
since i last blogged.
barely remember the urge of that time.

much has happened.
much has passed.
Christmas, new year, daily commune with internet friends...

but everything remained the same.
i'm the same old me.
starting over, skipping class, hearing christmas carols,

surviving today.

surviving today

i'm tired. body aches for rest. can't seem to have the will to do anything anymore.
the funny thing is, i haven't done anything physically exhausting today. just happened to have eaten more than my usual meal allowance. three parties in a day? whew, quite a fit to contend with. and so i'm tired. so so tired. need rest.

hearing christmas carols

when we begin hearing Christmas carols just about anywhere, it means the time to stop studying has come.
that's why despite the many readings required to be read, i just say, what the heck, it's christmas, dude!

merry Christmas everyone!!!

skipping classes

when you have tons of work to do and you have a class that's boring to no end, what do you do?
when you accidentally fell asleep last night and didn't finish preparing for today's next big class, what do you do?
when you have friends going home despite two more subjects on queue, what do you do?

you skip class.

then you rationalize why you did so. then you feel guilty... and turn to the internet.

to blog.

life, tsk tsk.

starting over

that was some roller coaster ride. a complete head rush.

but now, i'm back on my feet. to start over.

and reach greater heights.

hey guys, get ready for another wild ride.