of nightmares and daydreams

how i long for the time when all my thesis worries are at end. i can't believe how long a day drags on and how little accomplishment in my work can i see. i've no idea how much longer i'm going to last. i fear each day as it draws me nearer to the deadline. i'm afraid it's too soon, much too soon.

i hope this nightmare ends. so i can see my dreams.

thesis yet again

from the moment i wake up until the second before i sleep, horrid thoughts about my thesis cloud my mind. the writing that never ends, the reading that never suffices, the time that always goes missing. with only a week left and a billion pages still to fill, i wonder if i will ever get this across and still remain standing. i hope i do, for all the tides i've braved, for all the people i've met, for all that i am, i hope i do remain standing tall after this.

that's why, now, i face my thesis yet again.

thesis

today, after a long long time, i let out a scream. Aaaaaaaah!

that smile

it's that smile that creeps up your lips when you think of that someone that makes life so worth living. the involuntary flicker of your eyes upon mere thinking of how special that someone is, coupled with the head spinning euphoria of knowing you are special to that someone, makes everything, no matter how difficult they are, seem nothing at all. days become wonderful with every insurgence of this feeling. weeks become seconds with every thought, seconds become weeks with every memory. and it's such a wonderful thing. that smile.

wednesdays

after six hours of continuous classes, i'm just too tired to write.

cool tuesday morning

yup, i'm still up at three in the morning. not that i've been doing a lot of work, i haven't. it's just that blogging these days is too much of a temptation for my mortal soul. and i still thank my old friend for bringing back the passion to do so. i hope you never have to eat alone again anytime soon old chap.

feeling pain

not long ago, all i can blog about was how sad i was, how the sudden change of my immediate surrounding and the intense pressure brought about by law school seemed to stifle the very life out of me. it seemed that, back then, the lush green of nature had been sucked out of its very exicstence and nothing in me is left to stand on my own.

surprisingly though, almost miraculously, i survived. i moved out of that phase and eventually found my place here and now. i was able to build my stronghold and once more see the greens of nature.

This is why i can't help but be reminiscent when i chanced upon an old friend's blog. the sad and depressing tone emanating from his blog reminded me, in no small measure, of what i had been through just a few years ago. the intense pain piercing through every word encoded in the blog creates a ripple effect on what i have been before.

and it kills me to think that i cannot do anything to alleviate the pain my old friend is going through. i know nothing helped me before.

except for time.

days became months, months became years, and the sadness i felt dissipated with every raindrop, with every sunshine, during the years since then. i guess our inherent and powerful capability of healing ourselves will eventually cure what ailment our hearts may feel. after all, it is through practice that we attain mastery, right? and knowing that there's a light somewhere, someday, that makes us brave feeling pain, right?

of clouds in relationships

how do you go from total euphoria to an absolute down? how does the turn of events slip from your control and impregnate disaster? when do we ask ourselves how have things gotten so wrong?

relationships are a fact of life. everyday, we encounter opportunities to begin lasting connection with other people, but it is up to us to either harbour, or totally ignore, it. for us who choose to cultivate what little seed of a budding relationship that goes our way, a responsibility is inevitably set. it becomes our duties to nurture it the way a mother does her young. it becomes our rule to feed the fire that we chose.

this scenario however presents two very distinctive effects. one is that we bask in the glorious state of love where not even the stars can dare hinder what each of us feel. the other is when we lose that love and fall in the abyss of common strangers; what once was is now forgotten and becomes a thing of the past.

for many of us, we encounter and undergo these two effects many times in our lives. it sometimes becomes a cycle where we try to recreate the euphoric state of love but somehow always finding the emptying darkness of falling out of love instead. to me, this has always been the million dollar question. how do you go from total euphoria to an absolute down? how does the turn of events slip from your control and impregnate disaster? when do we ask ourselves how have things gotten so wrong?

well, i am in that phase right now. where did i go wrong? i mean, i'm not ending my relationship or anything serious like that, but i am actually confused as to how a simple fight can balloon into an arena of sad feelings. i cant think right now, i cant act right now. in fact, i dont think i can perform in any of the tasks that i am yet to do. a cloud of sadness has fallen over me and i am desperate to find the light of clear thinking that'll pierce this cloud. i hope it comes. soon.