dropping rocks

life's road has never been easy. stumbling blocks have always been there. sometimes, they manifest themselves through problems in school, in friends, family. sometimes, they manifest themselves through ourselves. sometimes, we become the problem. or at least we think we do. and in the extreme occasion that this happens, when we blame ourselves for the fuck ups in our lives, there is nothing more therapeutic than to share it with friends. to unload the burden to people around us so as to diffuse the feeling of inaptness and thereby in the process heal ourselves and become this new strong person.

corollary to this however is the premise of the existence of friends. the fact that the road of life is laden with stumbling blocks doesn't mean that we cannot find some precious stones once in a while. when we see them, we pick them up, treasure them, and then ask/lend a helping hand or a listening ear if and when life weighs down on us/them, if and when then all we/they can think of is how fucked up our lives are and how we/they are responsible for such mess.

but, in very rare occasions, we sometimes discover how these precious friends that we seemed to have treasured and cared for are nothing but unappreciative and backbiting. we discover that no matter how we reach for them, they will never really reach back. they will never really reciprocate if and when it is you who will need their help. instead, they say good things in front of you but attack you treacherously from behind. and then we realize, it is during this time that we decide it's time to drop their stones.

just as i am dropping his right now.

goodbye old friend.

missing anonymity

i started blogging ages ago. back then, i was careful not to identify myself in any of my entries. this, i suppose, afforded me a wide latitute for saying what i want, when i want it.

that, however, doesn't happen anymore.

and it makes me sad. no longer can i just lay bare myself. i fear people around me may misconstrue my words for other notions equally capable of other associations. for that fear, i feel suffocated. smothered even.

it seems that life is pouring out of me and there is nothing i can do to put a stop to it. i'm drained. emptied. i need a plug to stifle this leak to retain who i am.

lest i miss myself, and drown in anonymity.

people and places

at long last, my world is expanding. new places to go to. new friends found. my constant hysteria about discomfort in my current social life is being dispelled by the happy turn of events.

i like it.

mid-terms

one down, a million more to go.

on the path to reminiscing

i've been reading some of my older entries today, and can i just say, what a journey it has been. of course, i still haven't been out of the country yet, i am still struggling in law school and time still seems to be never enough, but the emotional rollercoaster that i have undergone, the continuous change in my environment, my evolving social taste and political convictions all point towards the growth of a once apathetic atenean. so much has changed, indeed. and i like it. every one bit of it.

templates

i've never been satisfied with my blog template since i started writing again. thus, the change. which makes it the third in a span of, i dunno, three months? i wonder if this recurring change is reflective of my current life perspective. does this mean that i am yearning for a change in my lifestyle? that studying for most of my life has now finally caught up with me? or is this indicative of a desire to acquire new set of people to interact with? or a new environment to be in?

or am i just overthinking due to the impending mid-term examinations?

maybe. maybe not.

dunno.

weekends

it's a good thing my college barkada has had some breathing space in each of our own lives that we were able to afford a good deal of time spent for catching up. saturday night was a long needed get-together. beginning with good food at berllini's in cubao, it was followed by non-stop reminiscing and story-telling over several bottles of beer, and a visit at what most of us treat as home, katipunan. the tangerine glow of katipunan's overhead posts, the overnight neon lights of now unfamiliar establishments and the lush green at the backdrop of a starlit sky of the ateneo pulls us all back to the happiest days of our lives, reminding us of the carefree living amidst the company of lifelong friends and the busy hustle of the metro dissolving into the pressure of college papers and projects. it's like re-living all over again those unforgettable college days of opman and marketing research and the sleepless yet welcome nights that come with them.

ah, life has indeed moved on for all of us. we are not as young as we once were. and yet, every step that we take towards going back only makes our memory clearer and clearer. every return to our place only reveals another part of a long finished jigsaw puzzle. every get together only strengthens a bond formed long long ago.

i just wish it never ends. those weekends.

a shot of lambanog

i couldn't believe how two weeks of cutting myself off from the world for writing my thesis could store in me so much pent-up emotions. just today, i tried to lash it out on my roommate, but expectedly, it didn't work. i tried to be furious, angry, sad, and depressed all at the same time, but the weight on my chest never disappeared.

that is, until i thought of the lambanog that i keep in my room. a shot of the strong stuff immediately shoved me out of my dazed state and released a good amount of tension i had in me. ahh, the joy of alcohol. i keep this up and i'll be sane in no time. drunk, too, but hell, no one's complaining. i think people would rather see me drunk than pissed off. and just as long as the alcohol provides me with a temporary outlet for these blasted negative vibes, i think i'm gonna be fine.

i hope.